Going into this project, I knew that I would likely learn about my Mexican identity a good bit while I was writing about it. I expected to learn about myself and get even further entrenched into my pride about my heritage, and to a certain extent that was the case. Each entry was harder to write than the last, and the ones that touched on family ended up being far longer than any of the others. I was shocked at how much I had to say, and could still say more than is written, but when it was all said and done a theme in my writing that I did not expect to appear became clear to me. Throughout this project I have been more than ready and willing to acknowledge the failings and bullshit of American culture, and the privilege that this country grants me for being a white man. I recognize the faults of this country and recognize that I stand to gain greatly from most of these faults. I can hide my Mexican identity when needed and just be another white guy in the crowd, or I can embrace my identity and get all the benefits of it without the downsides when I am in an opportune environment. I think that I have, unknowingly, made Mexico and Mexican culture a romanticized foil to this failing culture that I see in the US.

 

When I go back and read my writing, I see this throughline. America bad and racist, but Mexico (and even Catalonia) good and happy. This romanticization of the country is an unfair representation of a nation and culture that certainly has its own demons, and many of them are shared with the US. Yes, I benefit greatly from being white in the United States, but being white in Mexico is a whole different ballgame. White people in Mexico make far more money that brown people, and all the famous movie stars in Mexico tend to have lighter skin than the general population. This remnant of colonialism is alive and well, and I benefit from it there too. Call it what you want, racism here and colorism there, being a white man is a privilege in both places.

 

So, while I have not come out of this project feeling any less proud of my heritage than I came in, I have learned that I have a lot more growing to do than I anticipated. I know I am American because I am so ready, willing, and able to criticize America, but I now see that I am maybe not at that same stage of acceptance with my Mexican identity. I am, without a doubt, Mexican, but I am not yet comfortable enough being Mexican AND American to criticize both places equally. This growth will come (I hope), but I have no idea what my next steps are. I said at the beginning not to expect any answers as it relates to my identity at the end of this project, but that might have been an understatement. Not only do you and I not get any answers - all we get is more questions.